I might regret posting this later. Or I might not. I’m in a weird place that completely caught me off guard. Usually, if there are changes happening in my life I can either anticipate them or bring them to fruition myself. but THIS. I was not mentally prepared for.
A little background maybe? I am currently doing a 10 month program that involves me living with 13 other people in intentional Christian community. Sounds a little bizarre, but what an incredible blessing it has been. Hold your horses, I am not in a cult, trust me haha. But it does feel like I am married. And BOY are your flaws highlighted in a marriage/committed relationship. I digress.
We are on month 4 and I feel as though the person I thought I would be presenting to my community has shriveled away and this new being is bursting forth. There is this internal struggle that I did not see coming. My foundational values are shifting and I am seeing the world differently. Not the “cute” differently either. The “I’m questioning all of these Christian traditions” differently. The “If we being honest, racial reconciliation is much easier in concept than practicality” differently. The “this holiness thing I aspired to is looking different everyday” differently. The “the holy people I admired are becoming ones I detest” differently.
Hmm. Sure about that?
And one of the most frustrating parts about this…I have recently taken on the title as blogger. What a perfect time. Bloggers are influential, whether they admit it or not. They post to be relative, encouraging positivity or madness. Whether they have one follower or one million, there is a power differentiation. You are seen as the uncertified expert in certain respects. When I began this blog, I was okay with that weird idea. Now, I’m replaying the prayer and conversation in my head with the lingering question “What have I gotten myself into?”. I don’t really like the idea of influencing everyone with my “scattered emotions”.
Well, just stop.
Okay, yea that makes sense too. But I know why I began this blog and it will honestly be apart of my life’s work to communicate and help liberate others through truth. My truth. The ugly truth. Of what that means to be a Christian who struggles with the idea of compromising to get the American Dream. Of what it means to say you trust the Lord with all of your heart but battle with addictions. Of what it means to tell others to love your neighbor as you love yourself and struggle with forgiveness. And that’s the surface. And it’s not pretty. But it’s real. A real that I did not expect to get to during my time with you. But if I am going to stand by what I believe and what I feel apart of my purpose is, these difficult conversations will be had despite what views will be changed of me. The message of redemption is bigger than me and my emotions.
Seeing the injustices of my people and being up close and personal with people who could probably care less is weighing heavy on my being (not referring to my community). The bubble that college enclosed me in has been popped and I am angry. I am angry at the state of our world and I am frustrated with certain Christians and….I am changing. But I invited you on this journey and I am not taking the invitation back. I’m stuck with you and you with I.
Ultimately. I’m Okay.
Not sure if you are familiar with Sabrina Claudio’s song “Confidently Lost”… In one part she says “I am confidently lost. No need for you to find me, because I’m not hiding..”
I am not necessarily looking for answers, so no pressure to provide them. There’s no sound set of advice ending this post either. I am pulled back and forth daily without a doubt. But how real would the Gospel be if this tension within me, within the WORLD, did not exist?
To God be the Glory