I was around 15 years old. I had bought this yellow blouse with black roses swirled at different angles. “Hmm very elegant”, I thought, “Yet casual enough to be worn with skinny leg jeans.” I felt like a Queen in it. I was surely the bomb.com. And get this, this blouse was so beautiful to me that I vowed to never even wear it until my first date. Yea….I know lol. I had it placed on a velvet hanger at a specific end in my closet so that none of my other “not so worthy” apparel would ruin it. I marveled at it everyday. My mom told me I wasn’t allowed to go on a date until I was 16, so I was hopeful that in a few months that my most precious blouse would be put to use and I would be on that first magical date.
No boy had asked me out yet. And honestly, I was devastated. That once beautiful blouse that I kept preserved was now a haunting reminder of the date I never went on.
Fairytales… or Reality
I guess you can say I was a nerd in high school, and I don’t say that as a defecit to my social character. I was a really happy nerd honestly haha =] I had friends and I had fun with said friends. But my favorite place was the library. Talk about a world of possibilities!! I wasn’t reading Harry Potter or the other huge Bible sized novels. I was reading teenage high school romance novels of awkward girls miraculously, through the stumbles of falling books in the hallways, getting the attention of THAT guy. The one everyone wanted.
Okay, I definitely read other genres. I was a big fan of random facts about the world. But those were the books that captivated my attention the most.
Back to the awkward girl. That image of the least likely being chosen was fascinating to me! Goodness, it was almost addicting. Those books gave me hope that one day, I will be that girl that turned heads of the top tier attractive. I was convinced that once I turned 16 that everyone would know that the rule my mom gave me was expired and I was on the market.
When the reality set in that those were just fictional characters and made up stories, a deep sadness swept over me. How can I make what I read a reality?
I’ll Be Fine
There was a certain part of me that wanted to stand in the hallway and say “pick me!”. Then there was another part of me that said “Where is your dignity?”. Then there was another part of me that I hated to listen to, “The Lord has someone special for you.”
All terrible choices in my high school brain.
The Roaming Heart
So which part of myself did I listen to? You guessed it. Neither voice. I settled for whatever attention came my way. I thought “some attention is better than none.”
And it didn’t matter if that attention was from social media (I had a myspace boyfriend yall, so embarrassing) , from guys I knew had no good intentions, from older men, etc. I had a roaming heart and I wanted to be chosen. I wanted someone to look at me and think, “Yep, you’re worth it.”
SKKKRRRRR. You hear that car wreck coming? Yeah, not a good set up to put your worth in men. Nothing good will come from it. Nothing good did come from it. Besides tears and heartache and confusion.
And I think the part that frustrated me the most was that most of these guys were guys who proclaimed to be Christian men. I was confused. But I didn’t realize at that time neither one of us had an actual relationship with the Lord, we were just church goers.
My self esteem was shot. I would win academic awards all the time, accolade after accolade, get invited to fancy dinners because of my accomplishments, and I was even valedictorian of my high school class. But the craziest part of it all, I would have traded everything to say I had a boyfriend. Yeah it was bad. Crazy even.
You ever struggle with something so long that you literally accept this will be your daily fight until the end? I got to college and accepted the fact I would never feel complete if I did not have a boyfriend. I was extremely involved and had a lot of fun, but at the end of the day I was disappointed by the lack of interested guys texting or calling me.
Well fast forward, I eventually gave my life to Christ forreal this time December 2015, but I didn’t think much would change besides me going to heaven now (smh, sooooooooooooooooo much more God has for us) Let me tell you how I know God is real. I gave up EVERYTHING in my life that I did not think lined up with His word. I removed dance, parties, alcohol, hints of sexual immorality, music, and the list goes on (to clarify, I separated myself from these things to look into what the Lord said about them). I replaced these things with the study of His word, day and night. When I gave these things up to walk with the Lord, the desire disappeared. THE DESIRE DISAPPEARED. That longing for a boyfriend, a date, etc. , it vanished. Yall, I knew in that moment He was real. How was it that the feeling that loomed over and inside of me for years could leave with a snap of a finger. I felt full. I felt COMPLETE. I thought I was fooling myself to be honest. But this peace remained constant over me and I was able to look at female/male relationships so much more differently and analytically. I couldn’t believe it. Still pretty shocked.
It’s 2018 and I will not lie as if this battle does not try to peek its ugly head back in. The Lord is still carving things out of me and I still have to be intentional about what I speak over myself. Sometimes we fall into the trap of only doing what it takes to be delivered but not being faithful and walking out that deliverance. It’s not easy to believe that you’re fearfully and wonderfully made if for years you believed the opposite. But it’s POSSIBLE. How bad do you want to be free from your own mind? It looks different for everyone, but the bottom line is Jesus.
If you resonated with any of this and/or are dealing with these current feelings, talk to someone. This is hard, I know. But the other side of freedom is available for you.
To God be the Glory