I was around 15 years old. I had bought this yellow blouse with black roses swirled at different angles. “Hmm very elegant”, I thought, “Yet casual enough to be worn with skinny leg jeans.” I felt like a Queen in it. I was surely the bomb.com. And get this, this blouse was so beautiful to me that I vowed to never even wear it until my first date. Yea….I know lol. I had it placed on a velvet hanger at a specific end in my closet so that none of my other “not so worthy” apparel would ruin it. I marveled at it everyday. My mom told me I wasn’t allowed to go on a date until I was 16, so I was hopeful that in a few months that my most precious blouse would be put to use and I would be on that first magical date.

16 came.

And went.

No boy had asked me out yet. And honestly, I was devastated. That once beautiful blouse that I kept preserved was now a haunting reminder of the date I never went on.

Fairytales… or Reality

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I guess you can say I was a nerd in high school, and I don’t say that as a defecit to my social character. I was a really happy nerd honestly haha =] I had friends and I had fun with said friends. But my favorite place was the library. Talk about a world of possibilities!! I wasn’t reading Harry Potter or the other huge Bible sized novels. I was reading teenage high school romance novels of awkward girls miraculously, through the stumbles of falling books in the hallways, getting the attention of THAT guy. The one everyone wanted.

Okay, I definitely read other genres. I was a big fan of random facts about the world. But those were the books that captivated my attention the most.

Back to the awkward girl. That image of the least likely being chosen was fascinating to me! Goodness, it was almost addicting. Those books gave me hope that one day, I will be that girl that turned heads of the top tier attractive. I was convinced that once I turned 16 that everyone would know that the rule my mom gave me was expired and I was on the market.

When the reality set in that those were just fictional characters and made up stories, a deep sadness swept over me. How can I make what I read a reality?

I’ll Be Fine

There was a certain part of me that wanted to stand in the hallway and say “pick me!”. Then there was another part of me that said “Where is your dignity?”. Then there was another part of me that I hated to listen to, “The Lord has someone special for you.”

BOOOOOO

All terrible choices in my high school brain.

The Roaming Heart

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So which part of myself did I listen to? You guessed it. Neither voice. I settled for whatever attention came my way. I thought “some attention is better than none.”

And it didn’t matter if that attention was from social media (I had a myspace boyfriend yall, so embarrassing) , from guys I knew had no good intentions, from older men, etc. I had a roaming heart and I wanted to be chosen. I wanted someone to look at me and think, “Yep, you’re worth it.”

SKKKRRRRR. You hear that car wreck coming? Yeah, not a good set up to put your worth in men. Nothing good will come from it. Nothing good did come from it. Besides tears and heartache and confusion.

And I think the part that frustrated me the most was that most of these guys were guys who proclaimed to be Christian men. I was confused. But I didn’t realize at that time neither one of us had an actual relationship with the Lord, we were just church goers.

My self esteem was shot. I would win academic awards all the time, accolade after accolade, get invited to fancy dinners because of my accomplishments, and I was even  valedictorian of my high school class. But the craziest part of it all, I would have traded everything to say I had a boyfriend. Yeah it was bad. Crazy even.

Unexpected Solution

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You ever struggle with something so long that you literally accept this will be your daily fight until the end? I got to college and accepted the fact I would never feel complete if I did not have a boyfriend. I was extremely involved and had a lot of fun, but at the end of the day I was disappointed by the lack of interested guys texting or calling me.

Well fast forward, I eventually gave my life to Christ forreal this time December 2015, but I didn’t think much would change besides me going to heaven now (smh, sooooooooooooooooo much more God has for us) Let me tell you how I know God is real. I gave up EVERYTHING in my life that I did not think lined up with His word. I removed dance, parties, alcohol, hints of sexual immorality, music, and the list goes on (to clarify, I separated myself from these things to look into what the Lord said about them). I replaced these things with the study of His word, day and night. When I gave these things up to walk with the Lord, the desire disappeared. THE DESIRE DISAPPEARED. That longing for a boyfriend, a date, etc. , it vanished. Yall, I knew in that moment He was real. How was it that the feeling that loomed over and inside of me for years could leave with a snap of a finger. I felt full. I felt COMPLETE. I thought I was fooling myself to be honest. But this peace remained constant over me and I was able to look at female/male relationships so much more differently and analytically. I couldn’t believe it. Still pretty shocked.

It’s 2018 and I will not lie as if this battle does not try to peek its ugly head back in. The Lord is still carving things out of me and I still have to be intentional about what I speak over myself. Sometimes we fall into the trap of only doing what it takes to be delivered but not being faithful and walking out that deliverance. It’s not easy to believe that you’re fearfully and wonderfully made if for years you believed the opposite. But it’s POSSIBLE. How bad do you want to be free from your own mind? It looks different for everyone, but the bottom line is Jesus.

If you resonated with any of this and/or are dealing with these current feelings, talk to someone. This is hard, I know. But the other side of freedom is available for you.

To God be the Glory

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Disclaimers:

  • This post is not to bash any male or female for their own personal preference in dating.
  • I understand the bias is on both ends of the spectrum, but I will primarily focus on males and their reactions.
  • Also, if you are someone who says, “dating is of the devil, we COURT around these parts”. Listen, just read all of it before you rebuke me, okay? Okay, cool.

Rephrased, this question is asking “Does my visibly larger size make you uncomfortable, disgusted or potentially the least bit ashamed if people were to think we were romantically involved?” Think about it. Does it? And this question can go for guys AND girls. You ARE entitled to feel and believe whatever you feel and believe.

This topic is pretty taboo in some circles, especially when there is a plus size individual present. Hopefully, people are aware that the plus size community is full of healthy love lives and are found attractive outside of what they can do for a person. And big girls/guys are not automatically at a deficit because of their weight. But OF COURSE everyone doesn’t see it that way. So let’s talk about it.

THE QUESTION

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The million dollar question. And we big girls have to ask sometimes, because somewhere in our upbringing, we realized that our size said more about us than just liking food. Somewhere during our timeline, we saw the difference in how smaller girls were treated in comparison to bigger ones. We’re not always interested in being that awesome friend, or someone to talk to when you’re bored, or that secret hangout buddy during odd hours. So as you can see, being upfront about this will save us the hassle of the run around. We really don’t have time for the guessing games, just as our smaller queens don’t either.  I do not want to generalize every plus size queens’ experiences though, but this story is told too often to not be happening to several of them.

And we get it. Some people are usually uncomfortable with questions as forward as these. You are confronting a lot about yourself in answering that question alone. Insecurities, prejudices, privilege, biases, etc.

Hmm let me see, what’s the adage? You’re darned if you do and you’re darned if you don’t.

Some guys could either risk embarrassment from answering honestly or feel trapped in a box if it is public knowledge that this okay for them (what has been gathered from personal conversations and readings). To date big girls. To actually find them attractive. And wait… no….GASP….SEXUALLY attractive!! You…animal!

THE INITIAL SHOCK

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Wait. That guy is attractive. And he’s holding HER hand. My eyes are playing tricks on me.

It’s 2017. And as much as we are trying to submerge ourselves in this all accepting, nondiscriminatory alternate reality, the media, our families and friends have played a big part in what we deem as acceptable and beautiful. We WANT to see a person’s exterior and think to ourselves that their interior is so much more appealing… But does that always happen? NOPE.

Especially the African American community. Or let’s say, my experience with the African American community. We are pros at summing up people by their appearances. We’ve even mastered it in the church. Buttttt that’s ANOTHER post haha.

You know, some men have been really frank with me in confessing their “first time” being attracted to someone of my size. And if you immediately thought “How rude!” yea, there’s a certain level of rudeness and honesty that is actually appreciated. When I really hated who I was, I wore those “compliments” as a badges of honor, as if I were an exception to the plus size standards. Almost like I was straddling the fence of beauty. I should have never felt that proud, and those men should have never felt as bound as they did before coming forth with the confessions. I may not know everything about the laws of attraction, but I do know that rejected people reject people. So these same men have some unpacking to do on their own as well.

THE WORLD’S RESPONSE

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Awwwwww look at them over there! He really loves her for who she is! How sweet!

He oughta be ashamed. I’m sure he’s just using her for sex. Disgusting.

How much do you want to bet that she paying some of his bills?? No way that’s genuine.

Any of this sound familiar?

What I am about to say will sound extreme, but just hear me out. The “dating the big girl” phenomena is almost like coming out of the closet in certain aspects once someone openly admits, verbally or non-verbally, being okay with it.

Mind you, I am 22. So age and maturity played a huge part in my rationale.

People will stare you down. Be surprised if you’re affectionate in public. Some people honestly watch in disgust. They give nicknames to men who prefer plus size women. Chubby Chasers. It’s pretty ridiculous.

BIG GIRLS. YOU WORTH IT GIRL.

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If you identify with being a big girl, plus size queen, chubby princess, or all of the above, you are worth it girl. You are worth the love that an upstanding man has to give. One who is grounded in love for the Lord, his family, and himself. You are worth the wait if you are choosing to abstain from sex until marriage. You are worth the extravagant proposals you see on social media. You are worth being called beautiful everyday. Coming from someone who had to fight for yearssss to realize this, please believe me when I tell you, YOU ARE NOT MISSING OUT ON ANYTHING! Just because someone says they like you doesn’t mean you have to jump at the opportunity, even if the opportunities aren’t as frequent. There is danger in placing your worth in another individual. Man will fail you EVERY TIME. Do not place hope in those things that are perishable. I know this may sound like a lecture/sermon, but I want everyone reading this to know that the love that God has to give you outweighs ANY DROP of love an individual has to give you in this lifetime. He’s not a selfish lover either. God’s love has a way of breaking down walls you didn’t know existed. But, you’ll have to see that for yourself. I’m just the messenger =]

To God be the Glory